Take Vaccines (from Wear Sunscreen)

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, vaccines would be it.

The long-term benefits of vaccines have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

If you’re worried about the way you look, try to remember, you’re probably fatter than you think, maybe you should consider an eating disorder.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Don’t worry too much about the future. If you’re nervous about an exam, ring up your school to schedule time, and make a bomb threat. If you’re a girl, lie about period pains to get out of anything you don’t want to do. Cheat if you think you can get away with it. Remember, someone with richer parents is getting private tuition.

Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing.

Do one thing each day that scares you, sing, dance, jump in front of a car.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Be open to new love. Remember, you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex.

Floss. Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Get revenge, don’t forgive anyone for anything,

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Keep your old love letters, if you see an old lover in the street, try to run them over in your car.

Stretch. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t know.

If you’re unsure about what you’re going to do with your life, Try to remember, some of the most interesting people didn’t know what they were going to do at age twenty-two or even at forty, and nearly all of them are unemployed drug addicts forced to live on cat food.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when you are knee-capped by a loan shark.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, if you do have children, lock them under the stairs.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Get to really know your parents, they’re good for money. Milk them, then put them in an old people’s home.

Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Also understand that friends will come and go. This is because of your irritating personality. Nobody likes you. So if the only thing getting you thought the day is the misconception that people like you, end it now. (bang)

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel, but with a mask.

Travel as often as you can, live in New York City once, live in Northern California once, never live in Adelaide, it’s a hole.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Expect others to support you, it’s easy to get the dole and still do cash in hand work. Remember, only you will truly take care of you, so carry a concealed weapon.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or else by the time you’re thirty-five, you’ll look like Greg Matthews.

Be careful whose advice you buy, buy be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But most of all, don’t aim too high, you’re probably only suited to an office or factory job.

But trust me on the vaccines!